ROUGH DAY

Yesterday we had to say goodbye to yet another lil' boy in the ICU. Lane Clary, who turned 6 months old yesterday, also had his last day in his earthly body. He had experienced numerous complications with his intestines and liver and the doctors had basically tried everything. So rather than prolong his suffering, his parents had the opportunity to take him outside with the ventilator and wires removed and he was held in love as he passed away.

Learning of his death really hit me hard. This is the 7th child that we have had to say goodbye to since Max's birth. I literally fell to the floor and just cried and cried...for the loss of Lane, the loss of all the other lil' guys, the loss of innocence, the loss of a "normal" life.

Last night was rough too for me personally. I had a little "breakdown." While it is so wonderful to have Maxwell home, it can be incredibly draining (physically and emotionally) taking care of him with all of the machines, medications and monitoring. Being a single mom would be difficult enough...but being a single mom to a special needs child is simply overwhelming! I was about to throw the kangaroo pump out the window...I was sooo irritated.

Max was fussy and all I wanted to do was go to his room and rock him. But I couldn't. First I had to unplug everything, move all of his machines, untangle the many wires, and reattach everything. This is virtually impossible to do quickly while dealing with an upset baby. SO FRUSTRATING! Of course I am sooooo grateful that there are such machines so that we can be at home, but now I am just so wanting to live a more normal life (well as normal as it could possibly be in this bizarre divorce/new town/special needs situation!) and it is frustrating when I cannot do the simple "mom and baby" things without spending 30 minutes changing rooms.

Fortunately today's church service helped get me refocused on the positive and I am doing my best to accept that this is what it is and I truly am incredibly grateful to have Maxwell home and doing so well.