Wednesday, September 07, 2005

A ROUGH PATCH

Usually I simply report on Max's medical condition, but today I am having a very rough day as Max's mom and I thought I'd share.

The past few days have been extremely rough and I found myself often questioning...can it get any worse? From the horrific divorce to hospital bedrest, Max's early arrival and genetic disorder, I have been feeling completely overwhelmed and scared out of my mind for the future. Of course there are good days when I feel really strong and capable and have wonderful, positive thoughts for the future. Then there are days...like this week...where it seems like the weight of the world is on my shoulders and I quite simply don't know how I am going to handle all of this.

I am not sharing these thoughts to be "woe is me" but to lead up to last night. So I finally leave the hospital very late after feeling comfortable that Max was settled in for a good night's rest and I could get home for my early morning "therapy" (much needed!) appointment. We snuggled and had lots of good mom and baby time....it was wonderful.

So I arrive home but can't get the key to my house to work so I head back out to my car and trip over the last step. I completely twisted my ankle and just sat there in the driveway crying and crying....unable to move. Then I realize the dogs are out with me but they are nowhere to be found. If you know Barney and Shakespeare, you know how much they love to run! I call Eliz (thank God for cell phones!) and she comes running over and gets me inside and then Jim goes out searching for the dogs...hours later, no dogs. I am shaking with pain but also freaking out because of the dogs being gone. Luckily this morning Jim found them walking together alongside a nearby road as though they were on a leisurely stroll. Thankfully they are both fine.

I have never in all my life broken a bone or sprained anything...ever. So the irony of this happening during all of this is absolutely bizarre. I know a sprained ankle isn't much at all in normal life, but it feels like the breaking point with all that is going on with Maxwell. It just is too much. Elizabeth and I were jointly laughing and crying last night because it was just too comical that this would happen during everything else.

At the same all this was happening, Max spiked a really high fever again last night and cried for five straight hours. The doctors do not understand what is going on and they are worried there is an infection they have yet to find. Finally they gave him morphine to calm him down, because nothing was working and his heart rate was going sky high. They have scheduled yet another spinal tap for today and many other tests to determine the cause of his immense discomfort and fever. Additionally, they had a horrible time getting a new IV started with him, so they finally had to put one in his scalp. Never a pleasant sight for a momma...but it does seem to work with his fragile veins. The "not knowing" of what is wrong with Max is killing me.

So I am stuck in Bellingham for the night nursing my ankle. At first I was determined to simply hop and crawl my way around, but within hours, I was exhausted so Eliz got me a set of crutches that are helping. We are heading to the doctor's soon to get my ankle checked out, because we fear it could be worse than a sprain. Meanwhile, Max is in Seattle not feeling well at all....we have no idea what is wrong with him...and emotionally I am a basket case.

Hopefully there will be a turn of events and I will have good news to report soon.

7 comments:

Michelle Martin said...

Amy, I am so sorry for what you are going through....I know so easily that something like the ankle sprain can set off a world of tears when you are dealing with so much else. DON'T be upset with yourself for breaking down. Know that you are a strong, beautiful, wonderful mommy and that your absolutely handsome, perfect son Max needs you very much and loves you for who you are. I know that you both will find the strength you need to pull through this. Don't be afraid to lean on family and friends every once in a while though.

All my love and strength to you guys tonight. If there is anything I can do for you, please let me know.

Michelle Martin

tessa said...

Amy, so sorry to hear that you had such a bad couple of days..when i sat to read the blog this afternoon i was hoping for some good news...there is one thing that is simply amazing though...you....i don't know how you are doing it all...you really are like super woman. maxwell couldn't have a better mom, take care of yourself and let me know if there is anything that i can do!
much love
t

carlytee said...

Amy, I just wanted to let you know that frozen popcorn kernels work really well as ice packs, (I'm very accident prone, I know about these things). But seriously, I'm sorry things are so hard. I'm inspired by what an amazing mom (and woman)you are. I know we don't know each other very well but I'm always here for you and Max.
lots of love, Carly

rebecca said...

Hang in there lady. I can't even imagine what you are going through. You have been so strong for so long; you deserve a moment to cry and wonder every now and than. Any time you want a new crying partner, give me a call. I can cry with the best of them. I pray for the best.

Rebecca

Drew said...

Hey Amy,
sorry to hear about your ankle. Sprained ankles really smart. Barney and Shakespeare were probably just trying to get to Seattle to see Max. What a couple of scamps!

I'm glad that you and Eliz were able to intersperse some laughter with the crying. I think you have to.

Hang in there. As always, you are amazing! Give that sweet little guy a kiss and hug for me (actually give Barney and Shakes a rub from me too).

Drew

Steph said...

Oh Amy!! It's like someone's out there saying "Well, let's see how she does with an ankle sprain on top of everything!" It's so ridiculous!!!

Sweetie -- we're all here for you. This blog is such a great way for you to express yourself and for us to stay connected to you and Max. I hope you can feel the love and support from everyone who reads the blog and includes you and Max in their daily thoughts and prayers.

Tomorrow is a new day...here's hoping it's a better one for you and that amazing baby boy...and remember, "WWOD?"

XOXO Steph

Sean and Renee said...

Amy, just think the rest of your life is going to be such a cake walk! You are going through more stress and heartache in one year than 1000 people go through in one life time! I know the pain you are feeling with your ankle...I broke both of mine in HS and actually passed out from the pain! See I am such a wimp compared to you. :) I hope you are able to get some much needed rest and some good pain meds. As always your family is in my thoughts and prayers. I wish Max many good days ahead.
Lots of Love,
Renee
PS. SO glad the dogs made it back!